When you have so many feelings but you don't have the time to feel them
“Attitude is a superpower,” my Guardian Angel, Nicole, says. "It’s the one thing you can really control."
Do you think she's right? Can you REALLY control your attitude?
Because right now I need to make the CHOICE to live strong and I don't think that I know how. I need to take the part of me that wants to hide, die, wallow, cry, or lay very still on a pool-side chaise lounge, and give her an Ambush Makeover. Because Mommy has things to get done. And she doesn’t want to feel this way ANY MORE.
So what part of myself should I be appealing to in order to accomplish this feat? Where in your body or soul can you make this CHOICE to fully live?
And how can you justify living fully in spite of all of your sorrow, pain, fear, and undecipherable apathy?
Maybe you should live fully because you CAN. Because you CAN!
Because it’s more heartwarming and fulfilling to live in the light than to live in the dark. And you can CHOOSE the loving option.
You can take those parts of you -- your worries and fears and self-hatred and sadness -- and you can put them in a jar. And close the lid tight. And then you go about your day, and open that jar in the wee hours of the night after your beloved, impossibly messy kids are in bed. If you can stay awake, that is.
Before you put your “bad” parts in a jar, you can acknowledge them, like Elizabeth Gilbert says. You can say goodnight to them. Tell them you see them and will be there for them when the time is right. Goodnight, “You are all alone.” Goodnight, “You will never be enough.” Goodnight, “You are afraid.”
You can make the choice to put these sad and scared parts away and LIVE, because you CAN!
Because it’s POSSIBLE. Because success and power are options that are open to you.
Because you can THRIVE and be okay.
Because it is OKAY to thrive.
You do not need to punish yourself for living in this imperfect world. You do not need to punish yourself for being so imperfect. You do not need to harm yourself because your caretakers didn’t -- or couldn't show their -- care.
It is okay to love yourself even if you don’t feel loved. The love you show for yourself is still love. If you are living then you deserve love. It’s not something that needs to be earned.
If you are feeling pain, then you can let yourself feel. Feel it in your body. In your spirit, in your chest, in your bones. Feel it until you KNOW that it is real, not just a shadow creature. Feel it in the sweet breeze and bright sun, which taunt you. Feel it in the tears that you finally know how to feel. Feel it, and then put it in a jar. And go do things. You can visit the dark, and CHOOSE to live in the light.