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Money Does Buy Happiness

They say that money can’t buy happiness, but Neiman Marcus and I beg to differ. Behold: PROOF that money can buy happiness.



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Whomever says “money doesn’t buy happiness” clearly hasn’t seen things like this:





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People who bitch and moan about wealth inequality don’t realize that SHELTER is one of the most vital human needs… and this $250 marble tic tac toe set is decoration for your SHELTER:




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Anybody’s kid can ruin a white dress in five seconds… but only the LUCKIEST people’s kids can ruin a $500 white dress in five seconds.






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If you LOVE to burn through money, you need this $365 candle.





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If you want people to squint at your child, be sure to buy them this $490 zip-up -- an obvious match for huggable bellies and cherubic cheeks!





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I’D make this 6-year old my Queen Bee!




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If you want to smell like “Prick,” then THIS $860 perfume is for you.





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This $4,000 pill box holds up to $10,000 worth of pills! (Hurry, only 1 left)




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Bargain alert! Bargain alert! This Skin Perfecting Kit was discovered in the “gifts” section. It’s only $25, so you can spend the rest of your money on a nose job after the recipient punches you in the face!






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This was in the gifts section, too. For only $1185 dollars (plus tax), you can buy your Grandma this amazing basket to use as a purse OR to hang her bananas in!






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Ladies, forward this one to your brothers -- it’s another “gift.” Can’t you just imagine pulling these $1300 shoes out of the box on Valentine’s Day?






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BUT.... if you buy only ONE thing this year, you GOTTA make it this $7000 couch:




Now, don’t forget to spring for the tomato pillow and the cucumber pillow (not included), valued at $1500 and $930, respectively. It doesn’t MATTER if nobody puts cucumbers on their hot dogs; you 100% need this pillow!





Please don’t tell me that’s a pickle, either. There’s ANOTHER pillow that’s a pickle. Sadly, said “Padded Gherkin Pillow” is “not currently available.” =((((





Now. After you buy every single thing on this list, be sure to save some money for others. Let's remember: despite a handful of evidence to the contrary, money IS good and it can be a FORCE OF GOOD in this world! It can ACTUALLY BUY, ACTUAL HAPPINESS!!!


Here’s one way:


**Edit: Turns out Chicagoans eat hot dogs with cucumbers... who knew.


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